ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.