It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
BaD BoY!!
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me recordaron éste meme
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.