Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday