Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Ken is short for chicken
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today