wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.