Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
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Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
checking out some reviews of my local library
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
are there any atheist mantises?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero