We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”