Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Monday
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point