A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
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Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
That’s no pocket rocket.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.