Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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This dude got his own movie?
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”