If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
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Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.