*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
You Might Also Like
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Home is where your toilet is.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago