When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
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Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography