Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.