I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Self-cleaning conscience
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.