*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
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Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing