if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
When can I start eating bats again.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol