When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone