Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
You Might Also Like
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
congratulations to them
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
This is a bad sign
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.