We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
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[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Practicing safe sax
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?