We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
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ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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