Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
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This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?