Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Everyone’s family
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast