Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
You Might Also Like
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Proctology is located in A55
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though