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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.