[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
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The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
when someone rings the doorbell
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes