In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Note to self: always read the final line
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.