Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
You Might Also Like
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]