Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

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“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.


I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can


I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.


[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting


Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.


I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…


If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.


Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.


If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.