@sixfootcandy

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

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@merican_ninjy

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

@elle91

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

@flashember

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

@ValeeGrrl

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

@sexyhandeeman

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

@beefman138

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

@karlainvt

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.