Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
This is Sparta
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.