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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.