Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*