Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD