My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
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My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom