I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*