taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
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*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?