8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
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me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
All is fair in drunk and war.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
the noise i just made
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.