Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.