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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Does beer think about me too?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%