Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
When you’ve simply given up.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband