Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Google assistant rules
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.