@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

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@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

@ndiquote

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

@HenpeckedHal

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

@karanbirtinna

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

@KenJennings

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

@thedad

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@Robert_Beau

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

@TheAlexNevil

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

@fuzzlime

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]