Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs