Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
asking santa clause for nudes
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.