Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.