Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
January has been Januweary
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
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New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*seductively eats two tums*
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?