“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
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If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Every work call, he judges.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Huge”.