I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
You Might Also Like
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)