SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
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shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.