[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
You Might Also Like
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.