This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head