ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
You Might Also Like
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.