Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
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My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
This is a sub tweet
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.