I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
it’s finally my moment to shine