[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”